Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Primal screams and legalization of murder


There is one thing, that makes me hate myself, for not being as strong as I would like to be. Having the best lifts of 180kg raw squat, 122,5kg raw bench and 200kg raw deadlift @ 93 kg drug-free, I consider myself being a "flap-dick" and not being worthy of training with the real men in a powerlifting facility. Real men squat and pull over 250 kg, bench over 160 kg raw and overhead press over 120 kg. In my defense, I have not tested my real one rep maxes for quite a while now, but as my 5 rep maxes and 3 rep maxes have increased, I could be entering the dreaded "half-flap-dick" or "one-third-of-a-flap-dick" zone.    

As a part of my self-inflicted exile, I am being forced to train in a commercial gym. Commercial gyms mean bad music, sneaking in chalk and dealing with people of all different sizes, shapes and intellectual maturity levels. Usually the concentration of gym goers vulgaris per square meter peak and reach the critical mass during the first few months of the year. BUT they are necessary evil because, if it weren't for them, the gym I go to would probably cease to exist altogether. NEVERTHELESS it doesn't make these people less unbearable.

Here is my top 6 list of mysterious acts these limp dick, pencil necked, scrawny legged bastards commit on a daily basis:

      6. Arrange meetings in the stretching and warm-up zone. I must say, that it feels kinda bizarre stretching your lower back and having dudes standing all around you - it does remind me of a porn movie setting in a way.

      5. Practice dangerous martial arts in narrow spaces. I mean, do you really have to do your shinobi warrior moves while I'm passing by? Do you? Really?  

      4. Give me an advice / ask me for an advice. This is plain and simple. To give or receive an advice, you have to fucking matter.

      3. Check out their biceps in the mirror after each set they have done. Yes dumbfuck, you just went from having a 20 cm arm to having a 50 cm arm with just one set of a revolutionary and unnameable variation of a curl you did!
   
      2. Grunt and growl during a set...of biceps curls. Ok, I get it! You think that if you are wearing a gold's gym tank top, sweatpants to hide your puny chicken legs and have a shaker cup with your fancy branched chain amino acids, you are automagically a hardcore, world class bodybuilder, that of a level of Dorian Yates or Frank McGrath, and it is somehow acceptable for you to grunt. "Grunt" rhymes the best with "cunt". And "cunt" rhymes the best with "Bronson". 


      1. Do biceps curls/barbell rows/shrugs in the power-rack. This one is an absolute mind bender. Usually when you ask these apes with a human appearance, how many sets they have got left, and tell them you would like to use a squat rack to squat, they don't even seem to understand, that there might just be a slight problem with what they are doing. So to clear the air of any uncertainty - the power racks and squat racks are constructed to help an athlete to unrack a heavy barbell from a predetermined height and guarantee athlete's safety while he or she performs an exercise. I don't know how about you, but I would personally not place the barbell bicep curl in the category of exercises, that should be done in the rack, where one must pick the bar up from the safety pins. Same goes for any type of barbell rows and shrugs. Seriously, it is not as difficult as it may seem:

  • you take the barbell, 
  • you place it on the ground, 
  • you load it with the desired amount of plates,
  • before each set, you pick it up and get into a position to perform the desired exercise.
  • you do the exercise,
  • you place the bar back on the ground.

When CURLING, use the fucking ground instead of the squat rack, you egocentric ASSHOLE, and let people SQUAT!

Sometimes I wonder, what would the world look like, if murdering a person with an IQ score below 100 would be free of any criminal charges...

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