Another day, another hangover. Drinking doesn't solve anything, yet it helps me to stay somber. Being sad helps me focus on one thing instead of multiple things all at once. I guess once my brain's activity is down, I can work on a single problem. It makes thinking more time consuming but a lot easier - my mind doesn't get tired as much in the process, and it is less noisy here that way. Sober thinking, on other hand, feels like suddenly loosing eyesight in a big city in the middle of a busy street, where every sound is supposed to represent a thought. I don't feel very comfortable here, I feel lost.
Feeling pain, both physical and emotional, keeps me feeling connected, it keeps me sane and focused. Having short term goals, be it living through the pain caused by the tattooing needle continuously penetrating my skin, awaiting for that referee to finally give me a "down" command while I stand there with a heavy barbell in my hands feeling, how my calluses are ripping open or rushing to my grandpa's place, when he is having a stroke, makes living easier. Life is the easiest when it is the hardest. When you have aim and you know what to do to achieve it, everything else just falls into its rightful place. Without primitive short term goals, I feel disassociated from the reality, living inside the locked cell that is my tireless mind and peeking through the keyholes that are my eyes. Observing this reality from the inside out as if it was all just a movie, narrated by an ever-anxious voice inside of my head, waiting for a decent plot twist and hoping that the end credits will not hit it during a cliff-hanger.
As you might have gathered, I'm a very destructive person, and I'm in the process of tearing down my old world and building up a new one. A world, where a borderline nut job like me could be at peace. It's something I've tried doing numerous times and have succeeded to some extent, but this time it will be a lot different. This time I'm determined, I WILL burn it all down to the ground and my recent unsuccessful relationship is a tremendous catalyst in doing that. I must redefine the very fabric from which the blurred borders of my current behavior and morals are built. The world does not work and has never worked in the ways that are rooted in my own values and morals, so a complete detachment from both mine and other people's socially accepted/less accepted and unaccepted behaviors, values, traditions and the very definition of what is good and evil is required from me before I even start thinking about how to put back my own brave new world.
Every destruction should be accompanied with a fitting soundtrack, and as I'm the one in charge, then I would like it to be the heaviest thing possible. So I give you the top 13 songs with heaviest guitar and bass tones ever caught on tape.
Enjoy and play them LOUD!